“My back is killing me, and my shoulder. I should get a massage. This is going to great, I deserve a treat.
“Massage day tomorrow! Wait, are my legs properly waxed? I should make sure. What if I’ve missed a bit?
“What should I wear? I don’t want to look like a slob, but I want to be comfortable.
“Should I moisturise before I go? I mean, the masseuse will use massage oil, but I don’t want her thinking I’m an adult who has never met a tub of body butter in her life.
“Okay, here I am, I can do this. No reason to feel uncomfortable. Just get undressed and get under the towel.
“This doughnut thing I’m supposed to out my head on is weird. But I feel comfortable, my head is balanced correctly, it’s all good. I should get one of these at home.
“Oh, I hear the masseuse coming back into the room. Does she think I’m lying down weirdly? It’ll be fine, I’m sure it’s all normal.
“Ouch, the masseuse’s hands are cold, but don’t flinch too much, don’t make her think you’re uncomfortable.
“Alright, this is fine, this is good, I’m rela…ouch! That hurts. Should I mention it hurts? It’s supposed to hurt a bit though, right? I mean, my shoulders aren’t immune to all the crap I carry round in massive bags all day. Okay, this is actually pretty uncomfortable. I’m going to say something. I’ll say it now. Oh no wait, she’s moved on to the other shoulder. I don’t need to say anything now.
“Ok, I’m good. I mean, my neck has a little crick in it from this doughnut thing. If I move slightly, is that okay?
“I moved, it’s ok. But now I have an itch on my nose. Am I allowed to scratch it? I hope it goes away. It’ll go away right?
“She’s moved onto my back. Does she think I’m fat? I’ve got loads of back fat. I should eat more healthily. I’ll go and get loads of fruit when this is over.
“Oh no, she’s moved on to my feet. My heels are so gross, it’s the cold weather, that’s the problem, that’s why they’re so dry. I hope she doesn’t think badly of me. Should I book myself in for a pedicure as well?
“Arms, this is good. I’m relaxed now, I can enjoy this. Oh, it’s over. She’s telling me to drink water and, was that the door?
“How long do I stay here? It’s pretty warm, what if I fall asleep? Okay, get dressed really, really fast. Right, pay and leave.
“That was stressful. I’m going home to veg on the sofa…
“Ouch, my back hurts. Should I book a massage?”